Well, it finally happened.

C and I had our first dispute.

I wouldn’t say fight. It wasn’t all out screaming/yelling/carrying on. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was quite silent, a few texts were sent, and a few hours later we calmly chatted about it all until it was all sorted.

When my ex would do something that would annoy me, I would be quiet about it. If I chose to raise the point with him and we were in public, all hell would break loose, especially if he had been drinking. The temper would flare, he would carry on and I would get embarrassed. If we were at his sister’s house he wouldn’t hold back, and a few times I could see her looking on in disgust. Thus I learned to shut my mouth, and bring things up in private at a time where no one could see what was going on.

I can see now how unhealthy that was.

So when I found myself quite upset over something C had done, habit dictated that I became quiet. I knew I wasn’t hiding it well (I’m NEVER quiet) and my change in mood was apparent. In my mind, it wasn’t the time or place to pull him aside as there were friends present. I didn’t want him to get upset and I certainly didn’t want to cause a scene. I didn’t want to make things worse. Instead, by being quiet I merely escalated things.

Thus from our first dispute I learned some invaluable things:

• C is so completely different to my ex, and I am constantly forgetting that. I have habits and ways of treating him based on how my ex and I used to interact. I need to stop doing that, and I need to treat C as his own person. It’s a learning process of how we both cope, and I need to make sure that I am always paying attention.
• I have learned that C doesn’t have a temper like my ex, and is certainly more systematic and logic in his method of dealing with incidents without emotion (probably due to his occupation, where he needs to be able to separate emotion from his actions)
• C would much prefer that I pull him aside for a 5min chat so that I can tell him what’s wrong and he can sort it out there and then.
• I am incredibly sensitive sometimes
• I need to just accept apologies and snap out of it
• I need to become more confident in my relationship and myself, and stop being so insecure

At the time that I became offended, C noticed and he apologised, yet I couldn’t snap out of the mood I was in. He didn’t realise this, thought it was all solved and continued to tease. Then a joke later from his friends designed to stir me made me even more upset (they were trying to cheer me up), and his response (while fine in his mind) certainly didn’t help things.

Once we got talking later about the things that had upset us, I found that there was actually a lot more that I had buried that had been on my mind, most likely making me even more sensitive. I voiced my concerns, and was instantly made aware of how much more we both had to learn with regards to communicating to each other. C had taken it for granted that I understood some things, which was completely the opposite to what I had interpreted. While it really highlighted how insecure I was in myself, it also emphasised that C needs to be a little bit more clear.

Despite having a guy that loves me and adores me, I still struggle to accept that, and as such regularly find myself in a position where I am just waiting for him to crush me. It’s unhealthy.

Thus, we both walked away from the experience having learned a great deal about each other. Next time an issue arises I will need to remember the lessons I learned this time around.

This relationship is really making me grow as a person. I am thankful I have the ability to understand I’m not perfect, and to constantly review my actions with a plan on how to improve. I am thankful to be with such an amazing guy.