Kelly's World

I’m an expressive person; when I’m excited, I let the whole world know it. If I’m laughing, it’s usually a big loud one, sometimes clapping involuntarily. But when I get angry, and I mean really really angry, I’m quiet. If it’s a minor annoyance then I’m noisy and let the steam come out of my ears. But when it’s something that shakes me to my core, for some reason I get the plugs, stick them in my ears, and let the pain quietly simmer inside. There’s no tears, there’s no yelling. There’s just silence. Cold, dark silence.

I think that’s when I’m at my scariest. It’s incredibly rare that I get that angry, but when I am, it might take me a week to get over it. It’s like I choose to just ignore the situation altogether, and just wallow in my depressive silence. I wish I could just sit on my bed, sob for about half an hour and be done with it. Instead, with the pain simmering inside I over analyse. The event is judged from every direction, and short term and long term effects are scrutinised. It’s all I can think about. I go through periods of thinking of the most drastic action I could take, through to just pretending everything’s ok and planting a big smile on my face.

I have no idea where I learned to control my feelings using this method, and I know it’s far from the best form of anger management. We all face challenges, and this is one of mine. I need to learn to discuss my problems until an appropriate resolution is found. It’s the only way to a happy existence, otherwise the same situations will just continue to arise until I can’t take it anymore, and the worst possible scenario is played out. That’s something I would prefer to avoid.

I have no idea of what point I’m trying to make with this blog post. Perhaps I’m just returning to the basics and using my blog as an online diary, visible for all to read, baring my soul; in which case it appears I’m much more comfortable voicing my thoughts through text rather than a verbal approach. That makes sense, since when I talk I tend to waffle on and take 10mins to explain something simple (I know many people can vouch for that). Anyways, I suppose I’ll continue on with my day now, and tonight I’ll begin taking those all important steps to lifelong happiness.

To all of you that read through this post with a hope of reading something worthwhile, I apologise. I guess this was one of those waffling moments. Thanks for reading, sorry it had no point, and have a great day.

I know I’m opinionated (I have a blog, how much more opinionated can you get). I know sometimes I say the wrong thing. In both cases, the key point is that I know when I’ve done something wrong. This morning, someone crossed a line for me, and the worst part is they have no idea. Whether it is my place to bring this point to their attention I don’t know. But I had to unleash my fury somewhere, and tonight my blog takes the form or an online diary for me to vent my frustration.

If you follow my twitter account you would probably be aware that a friend of ours, Clive, passed away only four days ago. He fought a courageous battle against cancer, and unfortunately it proved to be too strong, taking him out after only a few short months. On a tender note, his last words were “what’s the score” typically checking whether NZ was beating Australia in the football (how typical of him). We met Clive through Mat’s interest in poker, and became fast friends. He and Mat were very good mates, playing together every Sunday night at Clive’s house with some other friends, and on occasion he and Clive were team mates for some local team poker competitions. So it’s nothing short of obvious to say that Mat was extremely affected by Clive’s passing, and many tears were shed.

Mat arranged for time off yesterday for the funeral (as did I), and his boss offered an additional day if he needed it (today). Mat gratefully accepted, and also seeing as he has come down with a cold he thought an extra day off resting at home would be highly beneficial. This morning, an unnamed person asked me why Mat wasn’t at work and when I explained that he was still grieving over the loss of his friend, this unnamed person made a comment that, without going into specific detail, was along the lines of “he shouldn’t be mourning that person so much”. The worst part, was they compared Mat’s grief to the passing of his grandma, who died over 10 years ago when Mat was 15.

This is where my blood boiled.

I’m not going to try and explain Mat’s grief, nor am I going to judge it. By doing so, I would be no better than the person who made the comment above. His mourning is  private and personal, and my role as a girlfriend is to support him during this time and make sure I am there when he needs me. That goes for his family and friends. That goes for anyone.

So for someone to judge and criticise him over something that is not any of their business upset me. Especially when they had never met Clive, nor knew anything of his relationship with Mat. Especially when his passing was so recent, and our emotions raw. How dare they. I can’t believe that someone could be so rude and uncaring. Don’t try and tell me this person cares about Mat when all they do is kick him when he’s down. Totally unnecessary, and completely disgusting.

Unnamed person, you disgust me.