My profile on twitter states that I can’t sit still. It’s the most honest account of myself I have ever given.

Friends and family have been telling me for a long time that I do too much, but I never saw it. From my point of view, if I had time to sit around doing nothing then I may as well do something productive. I didn’t see the downside to it all, and it finally took a few teary phone calls and feeling completely overwhelmed before I admitted that I did too much.

Sort of.

Even now when I write this post I see myself as a failure. This is what I have been juggling recently:

• A full time job
• Part time university (only one module per term, so a recommended amount of 12 hours per week, I was doing less than that)
• Netball once a week
• Triathlon training once a week on Saturday mornings
• Running training in preparation for City 2 Surf and Bridge 2 Brisbane (which my training fell behind and I was barely running at some points)
• A new relationship
• Financial related stress (caused by my living life a bit too extravagently)

I still feel like I let myself down by not being able to do it all. Do I have a problem?

The way I see it, if I can be organised I shouldn’t have had a problem. However I wasn’t, which meant that I started to fall behind in my study, I pushed my budget to the extreme, and I caused stress and worries to pile up. Something had to give.

In the end, I made the decision to postpone my study for 6 months (I’ll repeat my chemistry module next year) since it’s a long term goal rather than a short term one. That meant that I didn’t have to go to Rockhampton this weekend for res school, a term for 4 days of extremely hard work, assessments and a lot of brain fatigue. It also meant I didn’t have to pay for accommodation or travel, which freed up some money in my budget. Most importantly, it meant there were no deadlines for the next few months. As soon as I said aloud “fuck it, I’m giving up study for 6 months” I felt a tremendous weight lift off my chest, and I felt like I could breathe again.

Yet I still feel like I have failed, and when I finally stop moving I feel like I need to be doing something. My entire life is about striving towards particular goals. I have a 52 in 52 list, a New Year’s Resolution list, I want to apply to the police service in the next few weeks and I’m working towards obtaining a Bachelor of Science degree. I also want to spend quality time with friends and family, and have an active social life. I can see that that’s a lot to hang over one person’s head, but I still can’t see why I couldn’t prove it could be done.

How can I learn to just let myself sit still once in a while?