Let me take you back to a time…a time long, long ago. Where a girl called Kelly freely roamed the netball court, playing up to 5 games a week. A time where she was able to jump, catch, stop, turn, pass and run without a care in the world. A time where she had only a week before played in the biggest game of her life, a superleague grand final (losing the final but still being thrilled with 2nd place for the season). A time when nothing held her back.

And then this happened:

Last Thursday I was unlucky enough to bust my knee during a game of Netball. I’m not sure what happened exactly, if it dislocated or not, but it felt like my knee went one way and my body went another. Long story short and two days later I am on crutches with a big puffy knee that I can’t put much pressure on.

Three months later, it was followed by this:

My knee just after my knee reconstruction surgery

That was in December of 2008. After 2.5 years I’m finally making my way back to the netball court, under the blessings of my physio. I should point out this is also NOT under the blessings of my sister or one of my best mates. I believe their statements were along the lines of “you’re a dickhead”.

I won’t lie to you all. I’m scared, very scared. I don’t want to hurt myself, and I know that I run the risk of doing so by stepping back onto the court. Realistically though, every single person who partakes in any sport is taking a risk, and it would be foolish to believe otherwise. I’ve been doing my exercises and I’ve put in the hard yards with the physio. My body is as ready as it’s ever going to be.

I’ll also confess and say that it wasn’t my idea to get back out there. Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t be out there if C hadn’t asked me to join his team. I’ve had a few offers from friends and I’ve turned them down because it was easy to ignore them, but when C challenged me I accepted. He’d timed it perfectly.

I’ve had the craving to play again before but I’d always been able to push the thought to the back of my mind. A few weeks ago I watched the final between Australia and New Zealand, and was literally standing in the middle of the living room screaming at the defence to get an intercept. I felt the rush of the game come flooding back, and I wanted to play. C saw that, asked, and I accepted. I know I’m not doing this under any pressure from him at all, I’m going back because I want to. I’m scared, but I’m also nervously excited.

The most important thing is that I need to have realistic expectations for myself so I don’t get frustrated. I need to understand and accept that I’m not going to be as fast as I used to be, or that I won’t be able to move my feet as quickly as I could. I need to realise that it’s OK that I’m going to be afraid on the court the first time, and that I won’t be playing like a superstar (not that I ever did in the first place). I can only do my best and be proud of myself for being brave enough to get out there. I’m not sure how I’ll respond when I get out there; whether I’ll be afraid of people coming near me or if I’ll just stay rooted to the same spot for fear of moving. I might also go to the completely opposite end of the scale, and feel my competitive nature come flooding back as I play harder than I’ve ever played before.

I believe there will be some huge benefits in it for me. By playing again and seeing that my knee holds up I won’t be afraid of doing a fitness test anymore, one that I’ve been putting off for about a year now. That more than anything has really held me back; it’s the dark black thought niggling at the back of my mind saying “you’re afraid, you’re so pathetic, you’re afraid”. It’s true; I’ve been afraid to put my knee under the strain of the test, which meant that I wasn’t able to apply for the police service (I need to pass the beep test as part of the application process). My physio believes that while my knee is ready to return, he thinks I’ll psych myself out. I think that once again he’s spot on. Time to be brave and overcome my fears.

Wish me luck. I’m afraid, but I’m excited.

Kelsbells the netballer is back.