Recently, I grew a colony of spots on my stomach. They are bloody sexy, let me tell you! They are so sexy, they put chicken pox and measles to shame. It would be like chicken pox meeting my spots in a bar and saying “yo”, and my spots just looking them up and down and then turning away, not saying a word. My spots are just that damn cool.

They’re bad enough that Mat is too freaked out to touch me. He thinks if he does they’ll swarm up his arm, and he’ll catch herpes. Even though I don’t actually have herpes, he has assumed my spots have the power to pass on that disease. It’s ok, I understand. Like I said, my spots are damn cool; the ability to pass on a new virus wouldn’t surprise me.

So I figured I had better go and actually see someone about it, and the first doctor told me it was either an allergy or a fungal infection. I got a prescription for ointment, and off I went. I thought about whether there was a chance I was lactose intolerant given the rash first surfaced when I was drinking more milk than normal. But then I did what I do best, and ignored the possibility. I love my milky cappuccinos too much!

A week later, also known as today, I decided I’d better go back for a checkup since the ointment hadn’t done anything. The rash was still there, and it had now become itchy. My original doctor wasn’t there today, so I saw someone new. She had one look at the virus and declared I had “Pityraisis Rosea”.

Pity what now?

Pityraisis Rosea.

Right.

Then I got the REALLY good news. There’s no treatment to get rid of it (it goes away by itself) and it lasts about 1 – 2 months. Awesome! Not only do I get the ability to scare my fiancee for a month (and I didn’t even have to wear a halloween costume) but I also get the bonus of getting so itchy that I need to scratch near my boobs in public. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Today must be my lucky day.

As soon as we left I did the first thing anyone does after seeing a doctor. I googled my new pity virus. Then I google image searched, just to compare rashes. I did it on my phone though, and was staring at the first result when Mat piped up “urgh, Kel that’s gross. Can you stop?” That’s when I realised that also on the same tab was a picture of a penis with a rash. Oops. I then got super embarrassed, and started giggling my head off. Given we were in a chemist at the time, it wasn’t my finest moment.

On a sidenote, here’s a link if you want to have a look at the google search results, and then have a giggle. Lots of scary looking private parts in there! Thank god I’ve not got it anywhere as serious as them.

I guess I’m lucky that I’ve managed to get a virus that is only in an area covered by a t-shirt. I don’t have to wander around scaring anyone or anything. Though, because I can, I will keep flashing Mat with my virus just to get a reaction from him. Yep, I’m totally mature. But hey, I have a rash that itches and that I can’t do anything to get rid of. I may as well use it for my own entertainment!