If you split up with your significant other tomorrow, how many friends would you keep? How many would you lose?

Right now I am feeling mighty lonely. Tomorrow is Australia Day, when we would normally be at the beach with the tarp up for shade, a gas BBQ in the corner, esky full of drinks, frisbee, cricket, and a football. Our friends would meet us there, we would all relax and have fun, while the sounds of the Triple J Hottest 100 played from the radio.

Re-read the last paragraph and try and spot what’s wrong.

Give up? The answer that it was all about we, and us, and our. I am no longer part of that combination. There is no we, us, or our. It is just me. I am alone.

The “crew” that would normally meet at the beach are all considered Mat’s crew now. I no longer fit in. I am no longer welcome at the traditional Australia Day by the beach, regardless of the fact that I organised it each year. The friends that I have retained are all off doing their own thing (which mind you I know that if I asked I would be very welcome, but it’s the asking that bothers me…I long to be automatically included). Instead, I will be travelling to Brisbane to watch my soccer team play. I am going there with my sister, who while her own friends are having a gathering, has opted it to spend it with me. Whether it was out of pity I don’t know, but I am so grateful for her willingness to spend the time with me.

I have cried a lot today, and it’s because I have realised just how much I screwed up while I was with Mat. I lost my identity, and I didn’t have my own friends. I saw quite clearly today just how much I relied on him for my social life, and I am stunned. It has made me feel quite depressed actually, and has made me contemplate just throwing everything away and moving somewhere else, starting again. Starting somewhere where I am not forced to see all my former friends spending time with my ex. I could remove everyone from facebook, and not be confronted by status posts about how excited they are for the bbq tomorrow, the very bbq where I can’t attend.

If you are reading this post, and you’re in a relationship, heed my advice. Make sure you have your OWN friends. Make sure you have your OWN identity. Make sure that if you ever find yourself alone, you still have a group to turn to.

I’m on the outer, and it’s a very lonely place indeed.