Day 1 – The Orientation

Okay, so I’m running late already, great way to start. I park the car and kill myself running to get there (the car park is next door, and it seemed far while i was running Рhas anyone else thought that 50m was far?). I see a sign saying “orientation upstairs in the lecture hall”.

I walk in, and the first person I see? My ex work colleague whom I’ve nicknamed Matron. For anyone who used to read my blog, you would be aware that this woman and I had many conflicts when we previously worked together, including the time that she ate my lunch!! And then told me to go buy a breadroll and I could eat her meatballs with a breadroll! (Um, no) The outcome of conflicts between Matron and myself, as well as her conflicts with other employees, resulted in Matron being told to leave and not come back. The party was short lived however, as guilt set in (DAMN THOSE EMOTIONS!)

So I see Matron. She’s so pleased to see someone she knows that she actually comes over and starts up a conversation. After a few minutes of polite chit chat of the usual “Hi! How have you been?” nonsense, an usher comes out and lets everyone know they’re free to enter the lecture hall.

We go and sit down, and are entertained by the usual rules of “don’t park your car here, and yes you need to wear your ID at all times for security” (blah blah blah Рhey look at that cute guy in the corner!). I’m trying not to make conversation with Matron so I pretend that everything the lecturers are saying is riveting, and take notes (whilst maintaining my concentration on the cute man in the corner).

Break time.

I’m free! I can run away from Matron now! “I’m very hungry, so I must just run downstairs and get something to eat.”

Handcuffs back on.

“I’ll come with you. I’m thirsty myself”.

And I’m stuck with her again. We go to the student lounge and the vending machines. Some girls walk past that I pray aren‚Äôt in my class, because the whole snob thing just isn’t my style. I hear one of them say something about justice (note that I‚Äôm doing a diploma of Justice Administration at TAFE part time) and wince. And as soon as you can saying “omgmatronisgoingtosaysomethinghowbloodyembarrassing” Matron preys upon Snob 1. ‚ÄúExcuse me, did I hear you say something about Justice?‚Äù Weak ‚Äúyes‚Äù from Snob 1. ‚ÄúThis is Kelly, she‚Äôs doing Justice as well.‚Äù Matron and the Snob Gang look at me. I want to say “Hey! I don’t like any of you, so hows about you all hang together while I get something to eat?” but i don’t. ‚ÄúHi, how you doin?‚Äù Everyone stands around looking uncomfortable, and I make an excuse. ‚ÄúI‚Äôm going to go and get something from the vending machine. See ya later maybe.‚Äù And I escape, with Matron in tow (I should buy that dog leash that I’ve been looking at)

In true form, Matron hasn’t changed, and still constantly amazes me with the things that she finds interesting to talk about. ‚ÄúHas so-and-so found a boyfriend yet? Is she with that boy that she brought to the Christmas party?‚Äù (note that that was almost 6 months ago ‚Äì she must‚Äôve taken particular interest in this boy herself!) I update her on all staff members relationship status, and we move on. Now she wants to groan about her (ex)boss, and the reasons that she LEFT.

Intercept – she did NOT leave, she was told to go. Is her mind floating around in stoopid land? Back to the story.

Finally, the 5 minutes break time is up (all male readers out there, if there ARE any readers, you should be aware that when women chat, a LOT can be covered in 5 minutes) and we head back to the lecture theatre.

Here we find out that we‚Äôre going to take a literacy/numeric test. Matron and I get split up (oh disappointment), as we‚Äôre all getting into our class groups. We say goodbye, and she‚Äôs gone. Teacher turns around and hands me enough paper to wipe out an entire state forest. ‚ÄúWould you mind handing these tests out for me?‚Äù Sure! I’d love to assist you in your unenvironmentally friendly schemes that will, in essence, determine the level of intellect in every individual I see before me. And I? The bearer of doom.

Turn around to hand them out, and guess which airhead group that I was recently acquainted with is sitting behind me? The Snob Gang! (dum dum DUM!)(should probably mention that that was my attempt to insert dramatic sound effects, although why I bother in a text article still mystifies me) I decide to try and make a sad, pathetic joke.

Intercept – WHY DON’T I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!! Back to the story.

“Wow, it’s the first day and I’m teachers pet already.” (kill me)

Nothing, not even a sympathy smile from the Gang. And I can’t help it, I laugh. It looks like I’m laughing at my own joke, but I’m not. I’m laughing at the fact that I just made a bad joke and they all pretended they couldn’t hear me. Classic. The score: Snob Gang 1 – Snubbed girl 0.

Finish handing out the tests and sit down to complete mine. It‚Äôs easy, I wiz through it. Look up, and everyone‚Äôs still going, so I check through my test. All fine from what I can tell, so why are people looking like they’d prefer to have a severe case of the runs? Sit there twiddling my thumbs until my teacher sees that I have finished, and as she collects it she tells me that that is the end of orientation, and that I will be required to start classes tomorrow night, where I will meet my teacher then.

As I leave the room, I’m a little worried that I’m the only one who’s leaving. I see another guy exit from another room and ask him “are you wondering why we’re the only ones leaving and everyone else is still working away?”

‚ÄúNope, because you‚Äôd have to be mentally disabled to get enough questions wrong that they‚Äôd put you in special learning, and it’s simple arithmatic so why stress?‚Äù. (OMG)!

I say, “oh, well in that case, hi I’m Kelly, the disabled.”

Big laugh (thank god). “Hi, I’m John the non-disabled”.

And I’ve made a friend. We leave and walk towards our cars, discovering that he’s studying marketing while I’m doing Justice. We reach split point, say goodbye, and individually head towards our own cars.

Day 1 is over…I got through without too many scratches. And the tally? 1 x new friend, 1 x “wish i’d never met”, 3 x “pink is pretty” snobs.

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